Category: Mind Mints

I wish I didn’t have a body. I wish I was pure music. I wish I didn’t have to rest, feed, move, nourish, clean and stimulate this flesh. It takes so much of my time, time that could be spent creating music.

I wish I didn’t need others. I wish I was okay with zero interaction, satisfied in a void of social bonding, capable of never needing to talk or be heard or feel understood. I wish I had the skill to do what so many others can and I cannot. I wish I was an island.

I wish I was stronger. I wish I didn’t feel down so often; weak and verging on being an utter failure in my endeavors. I wish I didn’t care, didn’t need validation, was emotionally invincible and immune to opinions- including my own. Those are usually the most devastating. I wish I always had a great attitude… but sometimes I fall apart. Sometimes I feel helpless and hopeless. Knowing how incredibly blessed I am brings me to feel unworthy of those feelings, and then I get confused because I think I have no right to feel down. The swirling of contrary sensations makes me feel like I’m drowning.

I wish I wasn’t a perfectionist. It colors my world. Everything I do, from producing records, music videos and shows to renovating and interior design to managing my business to coordinating logistics to communicating in relationships and through media to tending a garden to washing dishes and scrubbing a toilet- every single task is done with full attention to detail and quality. And it drives me insane. I am so hard on myself, I give so much to all that I do. I am so generous with my attention, rarely concerning my thoughts with what I will receive in return: the task is the reward. The doing is the receiving. And for that, I pay the price of feeling too much, being so sensitized that my mind is wrought with an awareness that penetrates me to the core: I see and feel EVERYTHING. Nothing gets by me. I wish it would.

I wish I had more courage. The courage to give more- not 50%, not 70%, but everything. To truly use my existence in service of others and of the earth. I wish I had been sheltered from all media and education, so that my desires were pure, my values were uncompromised and my fears non-existent. I wish I could free myself from this sensation of being an individual and instead merge into oneness with all I perceive. The courage to dissolve oneself in service to others is all too rare and sadly at odds with the messaging of society, and I, sadly, carry the affliction of self-concern as a priority over concern for others. I wish this was not so- I wish I would risk everything for someone else.

That someone else is You.

I wish… I wish I could see myself the way You do. That I am courageous, so courageous. That I have risked so much for others, that I have sacrificed in service- that I have in fact made a path of serving others by inspiring them. That I do give, and give, and use my gifts to bless others and uplift society to a higher order, one that recognizes and respects interdependency. That my sensitivity and commitment to the highest of standards is not only appreciated, but valued- in a climate that tends to glorify mediocrity. That my translucence and vulnerability is not a flaw, but rather a gem in a world that can be so hard, cold and inhumane. That my lifelong dedication to a singular craft was not a mistake but instead a destiny realized and a dharma discovered; that communities are built on the sharing of talent, skill and knowledge; that being specialized is not necessarily a handicap and most of all, that it’s OKAY to depend on others. And perhaps most hard for me to hear, acknowledge and believe: that my body is beautiful and it is not a burden. That it is a brief manifestation of God in human form, it is a temple and a playground all at once; it is my primary relationship, it gives to me beyond measure by allowing me to create the sensation of sound, and deserves my love in return.

I wish I could hear these loving affirmations from You in my time of darkness. I wish You were here to comfort me. But more than all of these wishes combined, I wish YOU the comfort of always knowing: You are not alone, that we all go through insecurity and depression, and that at the end of that tunnel (vision) there is a light, and that light is Your True Nature.

Love Makana

2 thoughts on “On Depression

  1. The very nature of genius makes one separate and alone and always fearful of slipping into madness. It is a dubious gift, this life on earth that angels choose to descend into. Yes, the muse is the memory of the celestial home, and you channel the divine source to the hungry hoards, thank God, but you suffer, and you fear madness sometimes, dealing with such power. Like the lone tree on the hill getting struck by lightning over and over because there isn’t another tree for miles around. Eventually it is reduced to ashes and dust.
    The only assurance I can give you is that I feel the pain you are expressing. Genius is manic. The only advice which makes any sense is this: when you feel that old familiar anxiety that you have really blown it this time, that you are sooooo less that perfect, and panic and nausea grip you, just tell yourself that this huge self importance is the only thing in your way to the bliss of being human. Find something, any small thing that can offer you diversion and a quiet contentment, then allow it to show you back to the path. Don’t worry; when you get filled up again with that uncontainable joy, you will share it because you can’t keep it to yourself. Humility (madness is the great humbler) begets compassion, and compassion is the true source of joy.
    You are an angel, after all. No wonder you get depressed.
    Hugs, sweet spirit. Thanks for moving me to tears with your celestial music. It was the small thing I found when I was scared shitless of madness.

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