I wish I didn’t have a body. I wish I was pure music. I wish I didn’t have to rest, feed, move, nourish, clean and stimulate this flesh. It takes so much of my time, time that could be spent creating music.
I wish I didn’t need others. I wish I was okay with zero interaction, satisfied in a void of social bonding, capable of never needing to talk or be heard or feel understood. I wish I had the skill to do what so many others can and I cannot. I wish I was an island.
I wish I was stronger. I wish I didn’t feel down so often; weak and verging on being an utter failure in my endeavors. I wish I didn’t care, didn’t need validation, was emotionally invincible and immune to opinions- including my own. Those are usually the most devastating. I wish I always had a great attitude… but sometimes I fall apart. Sometimes I feel helpless and hopeless. Knowing how incredibly blessed I am brings me to feel unworthy of those feelings, and then I get confused because I think I have no right to feel down. The swirling of contrary sensations makes me feel like I’m drowning.
I wish I wasn’t a perfectionist. It colors my world. Everything I do, from producing records, music videos and shows to renovating and interior design to managing my business to coordinating logistics to communicating in relationships and through media to tending a garden to washing dishes and scrubbing a toilet- every single task is done with full attention to detail and quality. And it drives me insane. I am so hard on myself, I give so much to all that I do. I am so generous with my attention, rarely concerning my thoughts with what I will receive in return: the task is the reward. The doing is the receiving. And for that, I pay the price of feeling too much, being so sensitized that my mind is wrought with an awareness that penetrates me to the core: I see and feel EVERYTHING. Nothing gets by me. I wish it would.
I wish I had more courage. The courage to give more- not 50%, not 70%, but everything. To truly use my existence in service of others and of the earth. I wish I had been sheltered from all media and education, so that my desires were pure, my values were uncompromised and my fears non-existent. I wish I could free myself from this sensation of being an individual and instead merge into oneness with all I perceive. The courage to dissolve oneself in service to others is all too rare and sadly at odds with the messaging of society, and I, sadly, carry the affliction of self-concern as a priority over concern for others. I wish this was not so- I wish I would risk everything for someone else.
That someone else is You.
I wish… I wish I could see myself the way You do. That I am courageous, so courageous. That I have risked so much for others, that I have sacrificed in service- that I have in fact made a path of serving others by inspiring them. That I do give, and give, and use my gifts to bless others and uplift society to a higher order, one that recognizes and respects interdependency. That my sensitivity and commitment to the highest of standards is not only appreciated, but valued- in a climate that tends to glorify mediocrity. That my translucence and vulnerability is not a flaw, but rather a gem in a world that can be so hard, cold and inhumane. That my lifelong dedication to a singular craft was not a mistake but instead a destiny realized and a dharma discovered; that communities are built on the sharing of talent, skill and knowledge; that being specialized is not necessarily a handicap and most of all, that it’s OKAY to depend on others. And perhaps most hard for me to hear, acknowledge and believe: that my body is beautiful and it is not a burden. That it is a brief manifestation of God in human form, it is a temple and a playground all at once; it is my primary relationship, it gives to me beyond measure by allowing me to create the sensation of sound, and deserves my love in return.
I wish I could hear these loving affirmations from You in my time of darkness. I wish You were here to comfort me. But more than all of these wishes combined, I wish YOU the comfort of always knowing: You are not alone, that we all go through insecurity and depression, and that at the end of that tunnel (vision) there is a light, and that light is Your True Nature.